Are you often your own worst enemy? Do you feel like you're constantly getting in your own way, sabotaging your goals, dreams, and ambitions?
Do these scenarios sound familiar:
You've landed an interview for your dream job, but an unplanned night out leaves you late and hungover.
Or you're preparing for a marathon, but after a minor injury, you throw in the towel and abandon your running shoes entirely.
The nearly completed project that always just needs a few more tweaks, but never gets launched.
These scenarios exemplify the destructiveness of self-sabotage or the 'self destruct system' being triggered. We often falter and fail not due to external obstacles but to our own self-imposed barriers. The top three culprits that often play a part in our undoing are:
Procrastination - a defense mechanism to avoid failure, disappointment, or success
Perfectionism - setting unattainable standards that invariably lead to delays, setbacks, and feelings of shame
Self-medication - a coping strategy to numb the pain of the constant internal struggle between the desire for success and the fear of achieving it
These are not the only forms of self-sabotage, but they are the most common.
So, what exactly is the 'self destruct system'?
For most of us, it's an unconscious defense mechanism adopted to avoid mental and emotional pain or to meet societal or familial expectations. It's not a sign of personal defect or being "broken". It's merely a testament to our shared human experience. It's not a conscious decision to destroy oneself.
You're not to blame for these self-destructive behaviors, but you do have the power to overcome them.
Self-sabotage can be best understood as a conflict between our conscious goals and unconscious actions. On the one hand, we have aspirations to succeed; on the other hand, our actions often contradict those aspirations. This could be due to various psychological factors like stress, pressure, lack of confidence, or feelings of unworthiness. Self-sabotage manifests when we actively or passively obstruct our path to success, thereby causing physical, mental, or emotional harm to ourselves (Brenner, 2019).
It could be as straightforward as consciously choosing to eat a piece of cake despite committing to a healthier diet or as subtle as waiting until the last minute to work on a project due to an unconscious fear of failure (Wignall, 2020).
The impact of chronic self-sabotage is far-reaching, extending to relationships, career, and overall well-being. It gradually erodes motivation and leaves a trail of sadness, anxiety, and damaged self-esteem.
Common self destructive behaviours
These are the 20 most common self destructive behaviours, do any of these play out in your life?
Procrastination: Postponing tasks that should be addressed immediately.
Perfectionism: Setting unattainably high standards that lead to constant stress, dissatisfaction, and delay.
Neglecting Health: Ignoring physical and mental health needs, such as poor nutrition, lack of exercise, inadequate sleep, or not seeking help for mental health issues.
Financially Destructive Habits: Overspending, accumulating debt, or neglecting to save or invest wisely.
Self-Isolation: Avoiding social interactions or relationships due to fear of judgement, rejection, or conflict.
Substance Abuse: Using drugs, alcohol, or other substances as a coping mechanism, which can lead to addiction and various health issues.
Ruminating on Negativity: Focusing excessively on past failures or future anxieties.
Neglecting Personal Growth: Ignoring opportunities for self-improvement or skill-building.
Staying in Toxic Relationships: Maintaining relationships that are emotionally, physically, or mentally harmful.
Overworking: Working excessively to the point of burnout.
Underestimating Abilities: Downplaying personal strengths and accomplishments.
Resisting Change: Refusing to adapt to new situations or opportunities out of fear or discomfort.
Avoiding Responsibility: Evading duties or obligations in personal and professional life.
Impulsive Decision-Making: Making decisions without considering potential consequences.
Neglecting Self-Care: Ignoring basic self-care practices, such as hygiene, balanced diet, or rest.
Ignoring Emotional Needs: Repressing emotions or avoiding addressing emotional pain.
Self-Criticism: Engaging in harsh self-judgement or internal negative talk.
Excessive Worrying: Constantly worrying about things beyond control.
Engaging in Risky Behaviors: Partaking in activities that are harmful or dangerous without considering the potential outcomes.
Living Against Personal Values: Making choices that contradict personal beliefs or values.
Why do we self destruct?
The root causes are often found in childhood, typically related to our upbringing and formative experiences. Here are five possible triggers:
Approach–Avoidance Conflict: The human brain seeks to achieve goals while also avoiding threats. Self-sabotage occurs when the perceived threats outweigh the goals (Ho, 2019).
Modeling: A person can develop self-sabotaging behaviors based on the behaviors they observed in their parents or other role models during childhood.
Rejection or Neglect: Those who experienced rejection or neglect from caregivers may develop a tendency to self-sabotage to avoid further rejection.
Adaptive to Maladaptive Behaviors: Behaviors initially adopted for survival can become counterproductive when the original threats or challenges no longer exist.
Trauma: Traumatic experiences, particularly betrayal or violation of trust, can lead to a negative worldview and a belief in one's unworthiness, thus resulting in self-sabotage.
These deep-seated beliefs and insecurities often resurface when we are on the cusp of achieving our desires. The fear of failure and the fear of the unknown both feed into our self-sabotaging behaviors.
Despite the detrimental effects of self-sabotage, we continue to repeat these behaviors due to the inherent reward system of our brain. These self-destructive habits often serve to fill an emotional void or satisfy a subconscious need, thus reinforcing their repetition.
Recognising whether your self-sabotaging behaviors are conscious or unconscious is an essential step towards addressing them. Conscious self-sabotage can be tackled by replacing the harmful behavior with a positive alternative that aligns with your goals.
In contrast, unconscious self-sabotage may involve habitual procrastination, perfectionism, or self-medication.
The path to switching of the self destruct system can be challenging and requires patience, persistence, and professional help. It involves a deep dive into your past, exploring childhood traumas, and reprogramming deeply ingrained beliefs and behaviors.
You are not alone in this struggle, and it's never too late to overcome self-sabotage and take back the steering wheel of your life.
It is possible to do this work on your own, seeking the help of a counselor, therapist or coach will make the process manageable and effective long term.
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